Bravery: On Birthing Something New
I have lived a long time in the shadow of my insecurity. I have wrestled my whole life with this echoing belief that I am not enough. Not smart enough. Not resilient enough. Not pretty enough. Just not enough.
Now in my 30’s I am tired. Tired of chasing others’ dreams, tired of trying to conform to an image of myself I don’t even recognize. The disconnect between my soul and my behavior has become so chasmic, that it has caused a monumental rift emotionally and spiritually. I am jarred awake. I cannot pretend anymore.
Out of the hollows of my own aching fears is being birthed a quietly growing belief that maybe I am a unique creation after all. Maybe I’m not just defined by who I measure up to. Yet it takes a whole lot more courage than I thought to figure out who I am under all the expectations I carry. Courage to show up, in myself, with all that I am, and not be ashamed any longer of my imperfections, is difficult. It’s kingdom work peeling off the layers of darkness that have covered over the light within.
That’s what finds me here on this page and you here reading. I am trying to be braver. For me it looks like writing, even when I don’t feel like I’m good enough at it. For me, it means exploring what I find joy and delight in instead of just doing what I think I ought and should be doing, or what I might be perfect at doing. For me it means finding a new way to talk to myself, to motivate myself, to become myself, that doesn’t involve bullying and shaming myself. I am learning to face my weakness with hope. Hope because God is not finished with me, and it’s okay to need to grow. I am learning to live confidently out of my brokenness.
It’s messy and exciting.
That’s how you find me here, tapping away at the keyboard, putting imperfect thoughts on paper because it brings me life and joy and anything that does that, I am probably meant to do.
I have always met God in nature, in poetry, in prose, in metaphor. He is in everything I see and I hope we will be mutually encouraged as we explore who we were made to be, and our place in this big wide world, together. I will do a lot of wrestling on these pages, and maybe you’ll wrestle with me. Let’s learn to be our beautiful, wild and messy selves together, shall we?
What does it mean to show up as you, today? How can you do more of the things that bring you life and joy today?
