Even When: How I Choose to Trust God in the Midst of My Battle with Insomnia

I remember when it all started. I had a newborn in my arms and was recovering from the trauma that was my first birth experience.

I stopped sleeping.

Not because of the baby, mind you, but because my body just stopped functioning how it was meant to.

That was the start of my 10-year long journey of debilitating insomnia.

There was no amount of coaching or medical support, or buckets full of tears that were helping me get through. I was literally at the end of myself.

Lying flat out on my kitchen table I listened to words of a song that, in their broken way, started to re-form my prayers.

My prayers changed from asking for healing to praising, even when I wasn’t healed.

This song was about the story in the Bible with three men who were put to the test. They were told to bow down to the king instead of God. If they didn’t, they’d be thrown into the fiery furnace for disobeying the King. Their response: God is able to save us, but even if He doesn’t, we will not bow. For me, I had to start creating my own even if statements. Stating my confident position in God’s love and care even when my circumstances are painful and confusing and do not seem to let up, helped me on the days when I didn’t feel I could carry on.

I could decide to not be tossed back and forth by my circumstances, and decide how I would respond ahead of time.

Joy and comfort came for me as I got real with God. Joy and comfort rescued me as I made the choice to trust Him.

EVEN WHEN…

Even when I did not sleep for even 5 single minutes.

Even when I am so emotionally on edge that every. little. thing makes me cry.

Even when the thought of another night like that makes me weak in my knees.

Even when another person suggests sleepy-time tea to help.

Even when I’m afraid I’ll run out of sleeping medication.

Even when I can’t answer another question about how I am because I just might actually fall apart.

Even When….

God, I will trust you, I will hold onto You, I will love you.

Voicing my trust in God and His plan for my life drew me closer to Him.

At the beginning of this day, and facing the reality of what you have to walk through, what are your even when statements? What even when or even if statements do you need to post on your mirror to see in the morning to remind you that God is still worthy of praise?

Would you share one of your even when statements with me in the comments? Let’s encourage one another to lean on Him even when it feels hopeless.