I Did a Hard Thing

Deep breath.  I did a hard thing.  My first term in graduate school is done and after a deep breath, I’m about ready to start my next.  Full-time schooling while working and homeschooling and living abroad…it was hard.  It took a lot of my time, which is why I haven’t been in this space.  I had so many apprehensions- would I be able to manage all the competing demands for my time?  I haven’t been in school in 15 years, will I manage?  It took me a seriously large amount of tears and risk taking to even apply.  I can’t tell you the walls I had to knock down in my own self-doubt to even take another step.  I relied heavily on my husband and friend to shout loud enough that it was okay for me to still pursue dreams.  I still have doubts that I will be a good enough nurse practitioner in this current political landscape.  But you know what?  I’ve realized: to do hard things, I need to believe that I can. That’s my biggest barrier as it turns out. Belief. Mostly, through this huge step, I feel deeply encouraged. It turns out others value the stories I have to tell from fifteen years of nursing in three countries and more than a dozen worksites.  I have learned how to juggle competing demands in the school of motherhood.  I want to do this and I enjoy learning.  I am capable and worthy of developing my skills and craft as a nurse.  Even more, I have discovered a love of graduate writing (correction: NOT group paper writing), and is it any wonder?  Who knew you could combine passions.  I am a nurse through and through, but I am also a writer and I did not know I could be both at the same time. Maybe I’ll get into qualitative research?  I’m still not sure where this will all lead and I want to come back to this space in another season when I have more time to give.  But sometimes, the ground needs to lie fallow until it’s planting season again.  In the meantime, my book is still ‘in process’ with a publisher (who might be scamming me), and there is a kid’s book I wrote in a season of pain that my friend has beautifully illustrated.  We are seeking a way to get that ‘out there.’  Thank you for all those who read my blabbering posts and I hope you’ll wait until I have more to share.  In the meantime, a little ‘hello’ from out here to the void ‘out there.’ What hard thing do you need belief to tackle this year? What might it look like to do it anyways, even though you don’t feel brave enough?